The Science of Why Rejection Stings and How You Can Overcome It 😰 | Advice on Confidence from New Grads going into Tech 🙌🏽
Getting rejected isn't fun for anyone. In this issue of TTP, I explore the social science as to why that is and bring some advice from some of this year's incoming APM class on rejection!
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🫠 Rejection, It Sucks 🫠
Dear Candidate,
We're reaching out to share a quick update -- that unfortunately, we've moved forward with other candidates for this opportunity.
We sincerely appreciate your time investment and consideration with us and wish you absolutely the best of luck in your future endeavours.
Best,
Company XYZThe above message is the stuff of nightmares for those applying to jobs. You spend a ton of hours crafting your resume and networking but it just doesn’t seem to go your way. This was the dream job, that’s what you told yourself. The process repeats; you experience rejection after rejection and you feel dejected. You’re told that “you just have to get over rejection,” but it’s never that easy - at least to begin. So how do you get over it?
Like many, I’ve received my fair share of rejection emails, whether it be for internships or full-time jobs. In my senior year of university, I applied to over 30+ APM programs. I got rejected from all but 2 of them. I understand how much it can hurt and when I was in this scenario, it was the advice of mentors, friends, and family that changed my perspective. I learned to understand rejection and because of that I overcame it easier - I hope the advice can be as useful to you as it is to me.
Social Science of Rejection 🧠
To get past rejection, I had to understand why it hurts. On the surface, rejection makes you feel lousy, but diving deeper into the emotion reveals a complex web of reasons as to why being rejected is so influential on one’s mood. Once I was aware of it, I began to be more conscious of how I could turn a rejection into a blueprint for building good mental health habits.
1️⃣ Reason One: Humans are Social Creatures 👯♀️
Staying in a group is historically what humans do best. We associate ourselves with the country we live in, the friends we surround ourselves with, and the hobbies that connect us. Humans love to belong to something (I know I do). When one gets rejected, the upsetting feelings they’re experiencing are millions of years old. Millions of years ago, it wasn’t getting rejected from a PM internship but being rejected from a tribe, which left you to fend for yourself or be banished to find a new community. The stakes have definitely evolved, but somehow these two experiences are connected.
The Google’s, Uber’s, and Meta’s of the world feel like a global tribe that everyone wants to be part of. There’s nothing wrong with feeling this way. But there’s an inevitable pain when applicants put these companies on a pedestal. My perspective began to shift when I stopped glorifying companies and started focusing on finding a team where I felt a common connection. I worried less about company status and more about fit, projects, and product culture. Not only did it improve my ability to answer why I wanted to work for X company, but it acted as a great filter to understand if the reason I wanted to work somewhere was because of a social dependency built over millions of years. Thanks evolution!
Takeaway: Before you apply to jobs, understand that this process is not bigger than life. It’s an exciting time for sure, but it does not define you.
2️⃣ Reason Two: Rejection Actually Hurts Physically 🤕
Turns out that rejection actually solicits a similar response to scraping your knee or a kicked shin. Yes, not only does it stink emotionally, but rejection causes physical pain. A study from UCLA social psychologist - Naomi Eisenberger showcased the correlation from an fMRI (Fancy machine that measures brain activity) scan, where the portion of the brain related to physical brain activated when feeling rejection.
What’s scary is not this study’s results, but rather that although physical pain and rejection create similar effects, the majority of people do not properly take the time to rest and address social pain. If both create the same response in the brain then it would make sense to rest and recover for both, but unfortunately, that’s rarely the case. Instead, applicants feel like they’re not doing enough and push their efforts into overdrive, which can lead to burnout. My biggest regret during recruitment was not taking the time to listen to my body. I had great mentors who would remind me to take a break and I want to extend the same advice to you.
Takeaway: The brain hurts the same during both social rejection and physical pain. Take relaxation in increments when needed.
3️⃣ Reason Three: Memorability and Irrationality 🌪️
Have you ever played an embarrassing situation in your head and thought “Why did I even think that was a good idea?” Naturally, your brain has an easier time remembering painful memories to ensure that you avoid similar situations in the future. Replaying a rejection letter from a dream company is a self-inflicted pain that feels impossible to stop as a habit. What’s worse is the brain can hyper-fixate on irrelevant actions and relay those as integral reasons for not receiving the job. The term is popularly known as Apophenia - the human tendency to see connections and patterns that are not really there.
So what cures your irrationality and heightened memorability? Nothing - it's part of the human condition (who thought we’d get this deep though), however, having a great support group can help catch you when you are being hard on yourself. Often, mentors are perceived to only help with the technicalities of career advancement, but I often found myself being provided with emotional support, which was welcomed. They would help me contextualize what was going on and provide a safe space to express myself. It’s important to have that support system to lean on.
✨“Better out than in I always say”✨
-Shrek
Takeaway: You’ll overreact and overthink. Have people to talk to and support you, it gives you a chance to catch yourself and let out how you feel.
Different Perspectives on Rejection ⛰️
It may seem easy for me to talk about rejection once I crossed the finish line of APM recruitment, but I only encountered success when I shifted my views on how to handle rejection better. When I first started APM recruitment in July, I had done all the previous work expected to be successful for the upcoming applications. I networked, got referrals, prepped for interviews, and made pitch decks of product features to really separate myself from other applicants. However, I didn’t receive the success I had hoped for.
I asked some close friends (many of which I recruited with and got to be friends with during APM season) to share their perspectives because I know rejection is different for everyone. I hope at least one of these resonates with you and makes your journey easier. All the people below found their place after recruiting so it goes to show that it really only takes one yes.
Tyler’s Reflection on Rejection:
“What really helped me with rejection was having a great support group around me. Mentors, friends, and family want to hear how you’re doing; the good and the bad. Talking about rejection with others can really reveal how insignificant it can be in the grand scheme of things.
I also want to say that recruitement can be heavily luck-based. But it’s important to put yourself in situations to get lucky. So keep networking, applying, and practicing because when luck comes, it’ll be with preperation and readiness to capture it.”
Anna Li’s Reflection on Rejection:
“Within the same month, I was told I wasn’t going to get a return offer that I was banking on, a final round interview was cancelled, and I got ghosted after what I felt was a really good interview. I got really depressed about the whole thing and felt like I wouldn’t be able to get a job — I wasn’t prepared to recruit for other fields, so I was pessimistic about being able to pivot to engineering or design.
What got me through it was having a solid support system and friends who were going through the same thing, taking some mental health days, and drafting a game plan for if everything went south.”
Ahmed Alsubai’s Reflection on Rejection:
“Always remember that rejection is not a reflection of your worth or abilities as a person. Take things in strides, and remember that you can have 300 rejections but all you need is that 1 yes. And most importantly try not to go into the job hunt alone, have friends and colleagues support you along the way, it will make things so much easier!”
Zion Maynard’s Reflection on Rejection:
“You often hear rejection is redirection, and while I believe that to be true, but just as important is it’s ability to be a mirror. Whether it’s not getting an interview or being rejected after 4 rounds of interviewing, rejection allows you to be real and honest about your shortcomings and areas for improvement. Embrace the mirror and use it to be a better version of yourself for the next one.”
Justin Zhang’s Reflection on Rejection:
“Everyone’s career journey is different. Even if you don’t get into your dream job right out of college, in 10-15 years time, no one will even ask about your internships or new grad job. All you can do is focus on the things that you can control, and that’s your own development and learning.”
Resources for Growth 📕
Recent Tech News That Might Interest You
🍎 Apple Watch: Biggest OS Update Since 2015!!
🤖 Former VP of MSFT Reveals Truth About Global Tech Layoffs
🕶️ Casey Neistat Makes Vlog from AI
On General Product Prep
Try Exponent: A PM website home to questions, company guides, and 1:1 interviews with other aspiring PMs.
Tech Talk for Non-Developers: A course dedicated to demystifying technical concepts for product managers in a more digestible way. (Fun Fact: I did this course and it helped a ton with my first PM job!)
APM List: APM season is here, keep up to date with PM job postings!
Coffee Program and Thank You ☕️
Thank you for taking the time to read this month’s issue! I’ll see you next month :)
Personal thank you to my editors (Cat and Lucus) for taking the time to read each issue before it goes out to the amazing readers!
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Keep the conversation going.
Until next month,
~ Tyler
"I also want to say that recruitement can be heavily luck-based. But it’s important to put yourself in situations to get lucky. So keep networking, applying, and practicing because when luck comes, it’ll be with preperation and readiness to capture it."
100% I am a big believer that “luck” is just when preparation meets opportunity. The fact of the matter is, for every role being posted, especially highly coveted APM roles, the amount of well qualified, great fitting candidates, out weighs the openings at least 20:1 if not more. In order to succeed, you're going to have to fail over and over, my rejections to offer ratio must be close to 500:1 and that's hardly an exageration.
Only reason I am where I am today is because I swung and missed hundreds of times!